I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
