I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
