i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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