Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Randomize
