one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
