I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
