Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
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