Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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