Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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