I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
