i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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