So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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