I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
