We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
