I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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