new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
