I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
