I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
