yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
this hospital has no fireball
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
