4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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