look no pants
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
