I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
