i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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