he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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