Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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