found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
i drank out of a bidet.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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