i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
