Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
