No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
