Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
