I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Randomize
