I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
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Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
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He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.