I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
This is the high leading the old right now
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
20+ Kids Who Probably Didn’t Mean To Draw Hardcore Porn
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.