Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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