If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
