you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
