We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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