If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
