I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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