I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize