I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
