There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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