we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
