dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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