Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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