I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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