i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
