I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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