I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i just had sex bonerless
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Mom said you looked used
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
