I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
