An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
