bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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