i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
