I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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