life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
