the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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