I think my fart just growled at me.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize