Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
