You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
