i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
