...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
