I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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